Cry until you can't cry no more

You know, it's funny. I think the ideal is to have a best friend that you can say anything to, and know that everything is in confidence. You want to have someone to share basically anything and be completely open. And what if you have that, and for some unconscious reason you want to fuck that up? I've never been completely open to anyone in my life. Ever. Not my parents. Not my siblings. No one. And that's completely normal to have things to yourself. However, you should be able to tell your friends things, especially when something's bothering you. I just don't like confrontation. But that's how you resolve things and move past issues. Not every friendship or relationship is perfect. If something's bugging you about that person, you should be able to just tell them so. But for me, I have this issue where I have to keep this friendships perfect and not bring up things that are bothering me. I've done that with every friendship since...idk all of them.

Let's see. My first best friend was Sophie back in first grade. Our friendship worked out because we were young and it was based on pure fun. She liked going to the mall, watching movies and having play dates, so that was perfect for me. We were best friends until high school, and we were separated because of classes. I went into honors classes while she was in all regular classes. Isn't that horrible? I should have been able to stay friends, but the convenience wasn't there anymore...and also I started to realized that friendships were more than just based on fun and games. Our outlook on the world and our interests began to differ as well. We were still cordial to each other, but I never again called her to hang out. It was kind of weird. There was this non-verbal understanding that we probably weren't going to be friends in high school, and that wasn't a problem for either of us.

I haven't considered anyone a best friend until college, and now I don't even have that anymore. I've had really good friends in high school, but not best friends. We have common interests, but I could never share any of my secrets or vulnerabilities with them. Not that they wouldn't listen or help me out. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate burdening people. I was raised to keep shit to myself, and even now it takes a lot out of me to do so. But back to the friend thing. I've been really good at sabotaging friendships. I really don't know why I do it. Maybe I'm not a good friend? I don't know. I thought I was, but with the track record that I have, it doesn't seem like I do. I try to please people too much, and the last person I try to please is myself. And I feel like now I'm starting to deteriorate. I've been saying so much shit without regarding other people's feelings. I thought it would help with relieving all the baggage I have, but it has only added to it. Mainly because that shit wasn't even part of my baggage. I've been alienating people because I've finally realized that I am not happy with myself. I'm not happy with the life I'm leading, but I've fooled a lot of people into thinking I am. I mean, I've fooled myself until now, so that's some pretty good acting. I would like to be truly happy someday, and not just escape happy or fake happy.